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  • Writer's pictureElise Braunschweiger

Your Butterflies Might Be Lying To You

Why The "Spark" Is Sometimes Overrated

When you look back at people who made your heart skip a beat, how many of them turned into successful relationships? While initial chemistry can be intoxicating, it’s often more indicative of lust than compatibility. In fact, strong feelings at the start of a relationship can sometimes set unrealistic expectations and be destabilizing to long-term viability.


In today’s blog, we’ll discuss one of the most common causes of heartbreak - deciding who to invest time and energy into on the basis of chemistry rather than compatibility.


Most of us can speak firsthand to the power of having a crush. The nerves, the excitement, the fantasies. It can be all-consuming and leave us feeling out of control. As wonderful as it can be, it can also be confusing and cloud our ability to see things clearly. Excellent chemistry can have us act out of character and engage in emotionally risky behavior. Unfortunately, unless compatibility and emotional availability are also present, it’s unlikely to pay off. 


People who are charismatic and engaging can make excellent dates but more information is needed in order to assess your chances of long-term relationship success.

If you’re feeling butterflies, it can be difficult to maintain the emotional boundaries needed in order to take the time to vet this person. We might find ourselves rushing into things, anxious to see them again, and constantly monitoring our phones. Keeping yourself from running arms open into a relationship with them might be something you have to actively work to do. 


Because we don’t know much about this person, it’s also important to note that we could be wrong in our initial assessment. After a good first date, people often say to me, “we just had amazing sexual chemistry!” But I’m here to remind you that even charming, good-looking people can be bad in bed or dishonest to their partners… Just because they’re good at flirting doesn’t mean they’ll be able to satisfy you or will treat you well. Be careful with the assumptions you’re making and the narratives you’re constructing.


What’s most important when considering someone as a match is how they make you feel. Butterflies can be part of that!

But excitement aside, do they make you feel heard and understood? Did you walk away feeling self-assured and confident? Or did you ultimately leave your interactions feeling like you’re chasing after them? Does spending time with them make you question your worth, or does it make you feel like the best version of yourself? 


It’s important to acknowledge and celebrate your dating wins, and meeting someone where sparks were flying is a good thing. It can be a positive sign that your dating methods are paying off! However, for your own good, be careful not to become overly emotionally invested without seeing evidence that this person will otherwise be a compatible, emotionally available partner. 


We’d welcome the opportunity to act as an objective third party for you to debrief with after dates. It’s our job to provide a safe, listening ear for you to work through and identify potential matches, so you know when it’s a good idea to invest your time and energy into someone. If you’d like to learn more about our services, please don’t hesitate to inquire under our “How I Can Help” page. 


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