Why You're Picking The Wrong People
While there are many valuable lessons we could derive from the research available on Attachment Theory, one of the most impactful to keep in mind while dating is that of the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle. A common dating experience, this cycle speaks to the frustrating and painful outcomes that result from an anxiously attached person dating someone with an avoidant attachment style.
In this blog, we’ll explore each attachment style and discuss why increasing your awareness of attachment theory while dating can have a monumental impact on your success.
Let’s quickly refresh our memory on each of these attachment styles:
Anxious Attachment: People who are anxiously attached deeply fear abandonment. Often possessing a negative self-image, anxiously attached individuals can be clingy, emotionally demanding, and desperate for reassurance in their romantic connections. They highly value their relationships and are often sensitive towards any perceived threat. Anxiously attached people often worry that they’re more invested in the relationship than their partner.
Avoidant Attachment: Those who are avoidant in their attachment style typically foster a high level of independence and self-sufficiency, particularly on an emotional level. They do not want to be dependent on others and they often feel claustrophobic if someone becomes dependent on them. Many avoidant people avoid intimacy and emotional closeness, ultimately leaving them to experience high turnover in relationships (because most of us still want to be loved, even if getting close can feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and unsafe). People in this category avoid feelings of vulnerability to protect themselves from getting hurt.
Intuitively, we can see why these two people might face challenges in a relationship. Anxiously attached people often seek closeness to soothe their insecurities and are sensitive to rejection. People who are avoidant typically feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and might become claustrophobic when people become emotionally involved.
Because of this, these two can easily trigger and bring out the worst in each other - the anxious person seeks reassurance while the avoidant person feels pressured by their partner’s emotional needs.
An easy giveaway of a couple stuck in this dynamic is when one feels like they’re always chasing while the other is always running away or emotionally just out of reach.
If you find yourself stuck in this loop with someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed to fail. But it could be the case that you two would benefit from incorporating tools designed to overcome your differences in attachment style. Recognizing your triggers, communicating your emotional needs early on, and learning how to regulate your immediate emotional responses are great places to start.
You can also engage in mindfulness practices, such as proactively and intentionally incorporating disconfirming evidence to combat your reactive emotional response to triggers. If you, for example, become triggered by a partner failing to text you back within a certain amount of time, but you have solid evidence that this person is otherwise interested in you, remind yourself of the many reasons they might be unavailable. It likely has nothing to do with you. But if our partner is avoidant, reacting from an emotional and anxious place might trigger them, ultimately beginning the cycle again.
Most importantly, it’s crucial to communicate your emotional needs early on in a relationship.
There are ways to say, “if we’re going to continue to get to know each other, here are some things that you should maybe know about me and what I’m looking for in a partner.” Especially for avoidant attached people, it can feel like a conversational minefield to try to explain that you truly want a happy, long-term relationship but often have felt stifled by your past partners.
As we wrap up our exploration of the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle, remember that knowledge is power, especially in the realm of dating. If you've identified aspects of these attachment styles in your relationships, consider it a valuable step towards self-awareness. As a date coach, it’s my job to assist singles in navigating and applying insights like these to elevate their dating experiences. If this sounds like something that could benefit you, I’d love to help identify strategies to break free from unproductive cycles and build a foundation for lasting connections.
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