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  • Writer's pictureElise Braunschweiger

Chemistry vs. Compatibility

An argument for giving second chances to nice guys, not f*** boys -

In our previous blog, Your Butterflies May Be Lying to You," I mentioned that one of the most common reasons for heart break that I see as a date coach is investing time and energy into potential partners on the basis of chemistry rather than compatibility. Not only is it common, but it’s fair - I understand why so many of us get stuck here. But I want to make an argument for trying things a different way instead of letting attraction and intuition drive the ship.


While initial chemistry is exciting, it doesn’t lead to long-term success. Compatibility and emotional availability do. 

There are people out in the dating world who are attractive, charismatic, and excellent at rapport-building. These people may make excellent first dates and exciting initial connections, but without further investigation, we know little to nothing about how they are as partners. How many charming people have you met who later turned out to be terrible in their relationships? This is a huge reason why compatible, commitment-ready matches deserve your openness to a second or third date instead of the f*** boy. 


I find people are happy to give leniency to someone who's hot and exciting, despite clear red flags or incompatibilities. Yet they might brush off the person who gets nervous and quiet on first dates but who would likely treat you exceptionally well if you gave them the chance. This might not be your problem in dating, but if it is, in my experience simply bringing awareness to it can save you so much pain.


It’s also important for me to say - I’m not advising you ignore attraction or intuition entirely.

In fact, they’re essential guiding forces in identifying the right person for ourselves. You should be excited about your partner and attracted to them. I want you to listen to your gut if it’s screaming to you. 


But I think we need to be cautious about what’s driving our decision-making early into the dating process. You can note that someone is exciting while still maintaining the emotional boundaries needed to protect yourself while continuing to get to know them. You can actively choose to invest time and energy into people who are aligned with your values and are walking emotional green flags, even if they don’t initially set off fireworks for you. 


Dating can often trigger big emotions, bring up our past patterns, and be a means of distracting oneself. It’s my goal as a date coach to help clients increase their self-awareness and to assist them in practicing mindfulness while dating, as to make decisions from an intentional place and with their long-term goals in mind. If you feel like emotions are driving your dating choices, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team for a consultation so we can assist you in identifying potential solutions. 

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